Spillover

The following is something I wrote over a year ago, February 2006 to be precise. The ideas are somewhat there, but there is no doubt that they could have been expressed better. Either way, I will leave it in its original, rough state.

What inspires me? What makes me want to live? What is there worth living for.

Sometimes, I think of the outside of the world, everything that lies around it, space, planets, the sun -- the universe. It is nearly impossible to fathom how big the universe is or how you would measure it. I think of all of this, and then I come back to myself, to the specific. From the whole to the specific. It seems to work that way. It's strange; I wonder what all this is...

I am going to die someday, and I wonder how will feel like when I am not "being". I will no longer be a breathing and living thing. I won't exist -- so where will "me" go? It is something to believe in an afterlife: to have faith in heaven, in a God, in resurrection -- it is reassuring. I, myself, do not feel reassured because I do not know what will happen. Realistically, I think I will die like any living thing. The physical part of me will decay and disappear, but what I am really interested in is the "me" of myself. The soul? Perhaps the "me" that I am so attached to will reappear in another living thing, something or other. I don't think I believe in the traditional idea of reincarnation, but it is so difficult for me to imagine that my "me" will just die. How can I stop being "me"? I simply cannot understand what will happen with this intrisic and so alive and emotionally developing part of me.

One thing I do believe in are ghosts.

I believe in ghosts because somehow that makes sense to me. The whole "unfinished" business may be right or wrong, but I believe that spirits exist. The spirit, the soul, or the "me" can still sometimes float around. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I am pretty sure it is done. And that's what we call ghosts.

I think about the certainty of death, and how everything else we do here, on earth, is between the time between we are born and we die. I was listening to Strauss the other day, thoughts coming and going, sometimes being put down on paper, and I looked outside. We have built a world using our hands and heads just from birth to death.

What's the point? What's the point of building or learning or growing or loving? What the heck is our point for living on earth, anyway? Why do we have to prove to ourselves that we have a reason to live for? We don't! We're just here, wanting to love and learn and destroy and build and create and cry and work and play and dance.

The big picture -- people are oftened advised to think of something in the big picture, and then your issue won't seem as bad. Well, they're right. Your issue is the most irrelevant thing ever because what is ultimately the point of being the best human being ever? What is the point of power? Once we're dead, we won't be able to show a trophy around to everyone, telling them what you've done in your life. You're dead; it's over. And power only lasts so long.

But, is it perhaps mortality that drives us to do the things we do? We're here for such a short period of time, so we might as well make the best of it. What is, exactly, the best of it? I don't know. Doing things you enjoy and making it the most enjoyable as possible. Live life to its fullest, I guess.
There is nothing that we are "meant" to do. We just do it. Whatever we do is our human nature. Whatever we don't do, isn't. If we can't do it, then we won't. It's simple. People are afraid that we've deviated from our human nature; they want to go back in time where things were more simple and whole. People do not believe that our current state is our state of human nature. People are scared of what is around them. I understand the fear, but at the same time, it doesn't make sense. What we are doing now is obviously our human nature. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be doing it and we wouldn't be evolving this way. This is our nature. There is no state to go back to.

We've created wars and politics; we've created division and hunger; we've created apartness and nationalism. I suppose this is human nature because if it wasn't, we wouldn't have done all of this, now, would we have?

I just think that peace is better than war and love is better than hate, and I think you would all tend to agree with me, but that is not what we have created. Why didn't we all choose to work together and make a strong human race? Well, just because you can't work with everyone, you know, just like you couldn't possibly work on something with a co-worker or a specific friend of yours...
We are all different. Human beings differ so much from each other, and I suppose that is part of our beauty. Variety, differences, experiences.

If I had a choice to die with people I despised or to die on my own, I would choose dying on my own. I know that I am a smart person, and I know that there were people out there who appreciated me, and I would be glad to have learned and loved so much. I would die peacefully and in contentment, rather than be around people who annoyed and frustrated me. Perhaps that is why we couldn't possibly all work together -- some people decide to go away and do their own thing because they simply want to do something else and do not like the former state. Then they slowly got people who would follow them for one reason or another. And then they built their own society, their own state, their own empire. And so it goes.

So it goes.

It ain't funny to mess with the Lord

During the Easter holiday, I came home to Chesterville and decided to go to church with Dad. After the service, the minister talked to me about possibly playing the organ for a few Sundays over the spring and summer. I told him that I'd be interested. Unusual for an organist, I'd only provide some of the music, as we also have a small music group of guitars and singers, who play specific parts of the service. I would be playing around three or four hymns from the book of common praise, and that was fine by me.

Now, I was later on invited by the music co-ordinator to attend the music practise of the small group. The idea was to get acquainted with the members of the group and go over the hymns that we'd be singing that Sunday. So, I played my hymns, they sang along, and then they held their practise. At the end of the practise, the music co-ordinator announced that they'd be having a prayer. This took me mildly by surprise because even though they were playing music for a church service, I thought they were just about the music.

The music co-ordinator said she wanted to have a prayer of thanks. I looked around, and everyone was bowing their heads, so I did the same. It started something like this:

"Thank you Lord for this music that we are able to offer. We are blessed to have such talented musicians with us today."

It went on like that for a bit. She thanked the members of the group, then moved on to me.

"We are blessed to have Miranda sharing her talent of music with us."

I gave a faint smile.

"I would also like to thank the Lord for having Miranda take over the position of music co-ordinator for the summer. She will be giving me a very well-deserved break, and I am very thankful for it."

My face dropped. What?!
She thanked the Lord yet again that I was saving her from having a breakdown, paused for a little, and then finally moved on to thanking something else.

Music co-ordinator?! I racked my brain and wondered if I had said anything about becoming music co-ordinator to the minister, but we didn't even talk about that. But how on earth was I supposed to argue when she was literally thanking the Lord? When the Lord is involved, you don't want to intervene. At least, not in the middle of a prayer.

I had no idea how I was supposed to approach this that coming Sunday. I decided to talk to her after the service about it. Of course, when the morning announcements were being made at the beginning of church, she proudly announced to the whole congregation that Miranda would be taking over her position as music co-ordinator for the summer. I internally let out a wail and promptly kept my eyes fixed on the organ.

Now that God and the people of God were made aware and thankful of my supposed newly acquired position, it made it nearly impossible for me to step down without seeming practically sinful. So, I avoided confrontation, and I went to the minister and told him that I would only be playing the organ and would have nothing to do with the little music group. He seemed completely fine with this and didn't think anything was the matter. Later on, I spoke to the music co-ordinator and told her the same thing, but she still somehow thinks that I am taking over her position. So, to avoid upsetting any divine plan, I pretend I am music co-ordinator, whilst having nothing to do with the group and their little spaghetti suppers.
I sincerely hope this is the last time that someone uses God to rope me into something.

Haughty

The last few days I have been doing the usual springtime treeplanting. As a proud four-year veteran, I have no problem just destroying the field. I've only planted for three days, and on days two and three, I easily broke the one thousand mark, whilst the stragglers lagged behind.

Yes, those stragglers are none other than three young, fit men! Does it need to be mentioned yet again that I, the self-proclaimed weakling, totally beat out three guys, who are nearing their physical peak, by a long shot? I sure think so.

In other news, I returned from Halifax last weekend, safe and sound, whilst Andrea had a minor molestation case to take care of. In the spirit of a true friend, I refused to let her sit with me, and I continued to hog both seats to myself as I slept.
Andrea and I spent our East coast holiday walking around the city, checking out beaches, eating seafood, visiting friends, going to Lunenburg, and seeing plays. It was a very relaxing and peaceful vacation, giving us time to rest our academic minds, which was just what the doctor ordered.