Spillover

The following is something I wrote over a year ago, February 2006 to be precise. The ideas are somewhat there, but there is no doubt that they could have been expressed better. Either way, I will leave it in its original, rough state.

What inspires me? What makes me want to live? What is there worth living for.

Sometimes, I think of the outside of the world, everything that lies around it, space, planets, the sun -- the universe. It is nearly impossible to fathom how big the universe is or how you would measure it. I think of all of this, and then I come back to myself, to the specific. From the whole to the specific. It seems to work that way. It's strange; I wonder what all this is...

I am going to die someday, and I wonder how will feel like when I am not "being". I will no longer be a breathing and living thing. I won't exist -- so where will "me" go? It is something to believe in an afterlife: to have faith in heaven, in a God, in resurrection -- it is reassuring. I, myself, do not feel reassured because I do not know what will happen. Realistically, I think I will die like any living thing. The physical part of me will decay and disappear, but what I am really interested in is the "me" of myself. The soul? Perhaps the "me" that I am so attached to will reappear in another living thing, something or other. I don't think I believe in the traditional idea of reincarnation, but it is so difficult for me to imagine that my "me" will just die. How can I stop being "me"? I simply cannot understand what will happen with this intrisic and so alive and emotionally developing part of me.

One thing I do believe in are ghosts.

I believe in ghosts because somehow that makes sense to me. The whole "unfinished" business may be right or wrong, but I believe that spirits exist. The spirit, the soul, or the "me" can still sometimes float around. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I am pretty sure it is done. And that's what we call ghosts.

I think about the certainty of death, and how everything else we do here, on earth, is between the time between we are born and we die. I was listening to Strauss the other day, thoughts coming and going, sometimes being put down on paper, and I looked outside. We have built a world using our hands and heads just from birth to death.

What's the point? What's the point of building or learning or growing or loving? What the heck is our point for living on earth, anyway? Why do we have to prove to ourselves that we have a reason to live for? We don't! We're just here, wanting to love and learn and destroy and build and create and cry and work and play and dance.

The big picture -- people are oftened advised to think of something in the big picture, and then your issue won't seem as bad. Well, they're right. Your issue is the most irrelevant thing ever because what is ultimately the point of being the best human being ever? What is the point of power? Once we're dead, we won't be able to show a trophy around to everyone, telling them what you've done in your life. You're dead; it's over. And power only lasts so long.

But, is it perhaps mortality that drives us to do the things we do? We're here for such a short period of time, so we might as well make the best of it. What is, exactly, the best of it? I don't know. Doing things you enjoy and making it the most enjoyable as possible. Live life to its fullest, I guess.
There is nothing that we are "meant" to do. We just do it. Whatever we do is our human nature. Whatever we don't do, isn't. If we can't do it, then we won't. It's simple. People are afraid that we've deviated from our human nature; they want to go back in time where things were more simple and whole. People do not believe that our current state is our state of human nature. People are scared of what is around them. I understand the fear, but at the same time, it doesn't make sense. What we are doing now is obviously our human nature. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be doing it and we wouldn't be evolving this way. This is our nature. There is no state to go back to.

We've created wars and politics; we've created division and hunger; we've created apartness and nationalism. I suppose this is human nature because if it wasn't, we wouldn't have done all of this, now, would we have?

I just think that peace is better than war and love is better than hate, and I think you would all tend to agree with me, but that is not what we have created. Why didn't we all choose to work together and make a strong human race? Well, just because you can't work with everyone, you know, just like you couldn't possibly work on something with a co-worker or a specific friend of yours...
We are all different. Human beings differ so much from each other, and I suppose that is part of our beauty. Variety, differences, experiences.

If I had a choice to die with people I despised or to die on my own, I would choose dying on my own. I know that I am a smart person, and I know that there were people out there who appreciated me, and I would be glad to have learned and loved so much. I would die peacefully and in contentment, rather than be around people who annoyed and frustrated me. Perhaps that is why we couldn't possibly all work together -- some people decide to go away and do their own thing because they simply want to do something else and do not like the former state. Then they slowly got people who would follow them for one reason or another. And then they built their own society, their own state, their own empire. And so it goes.

So it goes.